Why Do I Suffer? A Prayer Asking God the Hard Questions

Father,

What are you trying to show me in this trial?

Are you showing me anything? Is your intent to teach me? Is there something I am supposed to learn from this? Or is my time of tribulation part of a broader story that you are telling?

Is this about me? Or is it about you?

What am I to do? Is what you have planned going to be a source of great hope — or am I being too hopeful? Do I need to be more realistic — pragmatic — more cynical? How am I to respond? 

This burden has crushed me more times than I can count — and yet, every time I think I have shed it — it returns even heavier and with greater consequence. In the past, I have held on to hope — trying to find reason to believe the worst wouldn’t come — only to be knocked down again and again.

Should I resign myself to an inevitable hardship? Or is this the time you are going to defy reason and do something miraculous?

If I hope and still meet loss, was my hope foolishness? And if I embrace the inevitable based on past experience and instead see a miracle, were my feelings unjustified?

How much of the same hardship can one person take? Why do you constantly deal this hand — the one few understand, the hopeless hand — why is this the one you choose regardless of changing variables and circumstances?

And what of the works of your hand? Your hand was creating a masterpiece, taking and giving and seemingly making possible that which was impossible only a short time ago. Why after all of that — why after showing the great works of your hand — would you remove your hand?

Still, even in loss, I remain grateful for the works of your hand, for the miracles I have seen and the blessings you have given. This journey has been an endless cycle of victory and loss. And while I am thankful of the victories, I cannot help but wonder why each victory must be built on the pain of ten losses.

In times of trouble, the questions swirl like a hurricane — and believe me, I have more questions. But exhaustion beckons me now. All I can ask for now is rest and peace.